For the insane and mentally retarded
by eventful
Summary: Oh, that poor bastard Mizuki. He should've know better than to make a certain knucklehead steal the forbidden scroll. Now, look what happened. Lots of crack.
1. Chapter 1

"Yatta! I did it!" Naruto Uzumaki gave a cheerful cry as three identical clones of him appeared in a poof of smoke. Now he'd definitely become a genin. Not only did he have the forbidden scroll with him but he had also learned a technique from it and a bunshin one at that!

"Now where's Mizuki-sensei..."

"Hey, boss..."

"What?"

"Let's learn another jutsu! Mizuki-sensei will be very impressed if we learn another one!"

The blond' face gained a thinking look. His clone did have a point.

"Maybe We might even directly become chuunin 'cause we learned two jutsu!" Another clone chirped. "And-and even Sakura-chan will then go on a date with us!"

That removed any doubts -if there were any- from the Uzumaki's mind. He could just feel what sasuke-teme' reaction would be when he becomes a chuunin faster than the Uchiha with brother issues.

"Let's do this, dattebayo!"

**JAJAJAJAJAkukukukukuHIHIHIHIHIHI**

"Tch. Bitch." Mizuki spat. Having decided on leaving the village with the forbidden scroll and going to Orochimaru-sama' -who had a great liking for the young- sanctuary, he thought that getting laid in the village for the last time -before Orochimaru-sama destroyed it- would be great.

Of course, it would be great! I mean who doesn't like some act- ahem...back to the plot.

So, he went to his girlfriend' house in hopes of getting some but was instead dragged by her to one of her shopping sprees. God! He hated those things!

So, now he stood at her door with an empty wallet and a red, stinging cheek. Why?

Well, a girl wouldn't exactly _kiss_ you if you told her how much you loved her by calling her a 'bloody dumb bitch who somehow surprisingly comes up with vivid and clever ideas to spend all of my money'.

She had spent all of his money, _all_ of it. Savings and all inclusive. She always had that talent. Though, the cheek didn't hurt as bad. Thank heavens for that she was a civilian. He shuddered at the thought of her being a shinobi. That woman was scary enough as it was.

"Should've called her all those things in the mall rather than now. Would've saved me the trouble of carrying all those bags and some of my money." Mizuki murmured. "YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS! BITCH!" Then, abruptly ran away like a bitch before the woman came out and did anymore damage.

Some people never learn.

**GURARARARAkukukukuJEHAHAHAHA**

"Hey boss! See this one!" A clone shouted.

The real naruto went over and looked at the particular jutsu that his clone told him to...and promptly unloaded his lunch...on the forbidden scroll. Well, that particular part of the scroll.

Wiping his lips, he turned to the clone. "Don't ever show me stuff like that..." He pleaded and shivered. "Spitting out so many snakes from mouth...whoever invented that jutsu must have some issues."

**SOMEPLACE BETTER LEFT UNKNOWN**

Orochimaru sneezed suddenly. "Hmm...someone must be thinking about me. But who...and why? I know! 'Cuz I'm FABULOUS!"

Then, he went back to enjoying his tea party that also included the sandaime, Tsunade, Jiraiya and Manda. Well, plush toys versions of them, to be clear...

...and a random sound nin who was now thinking that joining the snake sannin was not the best idea. He was better in Kiri with all the bloody mist thing. At least, it would've been a quick death if he were in Kiri...not this torture. Yeah sure, he had a bloodline limit and would be butchered as soon as he next sets foot in Kiri but there was always a tiny amount of hope that the mizukage would spare him. It wasn't like the ability to increase the size of his tool was a helpful bloodline...in a battle anyway. It wasn't like he could go 'power pole extend' or something and WHAM! All his enemies would be defeated. God knows that he'd tried it against the legendary Ameyuri Ringo and that rabid bitch had then been hellbent on making the fish fillet version of his manhood.

"Want some more tea, ninja-san?" Orochimaru asked with a disturbingly, gleefully childish smile.

Yup, only _some_ issues.

**BACK TO THE BLOND**

"This one seems cool..." The blond said as he looked at another jutsu. "...Edo Tensei..."

Sure...a jutsu that could bring back the dead seemed cool. Hell! It was freaking awesome...if not for the part where you've to kill another person as a sacrifice. That seemed to put off most people.

But, thankfully naruto had skipped that part and his eyes were transfixed on the seal for the summoning.

**JAJAJAJAJAkukukukuHIHIHIHI**

Sarutobi Hiruzen was having a headache and it wasn't any ordinary headache. It was one of those 'With best regards, Uzumaki Naruto' kind of headaches...

...and the biggest one till now.

Having read one of his precious icha icha, he had thought of taking a small toilet brake for mast- er, relieving stress. But when he came back to his office, his stress level skyrocketed.

Why? Because Uzumaki Naruto had stolen the forbidden scroll.

As for how did he arrive to the conclusion that Naruto was the culprit...

...the crude writing on his wall that said 'Uzumaki Naruto was here bitches!' and a crude drawing of a chibi naruto giving a victory sign were more than enough of evidence.

He'd sent anbu to retrieve both naruto and the scroll. Hopefully, they should be able to do so before any more damage occurs. Well, tough luck old monkey.

Now, even after two hours they hadn't shown up with the blond...or the scroll. Either his soldiers were getting lazy or the blond was getting better in stealth.

Massaging his temple with one hand, he took out his crystal ball and started searching for the blond. "Aha! Found you!" His ball never deceived him. It had been his companion for as long as he could remember. He remembered the good times... Spying on women in hot springs while leisurely sitting inside his office. He'd met Biwako only because of the ball. It was like a brother he never h-

"Son of a bitch!" With wide eyes he saw what the blond had done. "Damn you, Minato! I swear if you were alive then I would've killed you myself! I knew I should've done the sealing instead of you! At least I would have been spared of..._this! _"

**BACK TO THE BLOND AGAIN**

"I won't let you kill Iruka-sensei! I won't let my precious people die!" Naruto said and did a cross hand sign. In an instant, the whole area was occupied by thousand or so clones.

"GAHH!" Mizuki screamed and fell in a fetal position, rolling to his sides. "It hurts! It hurts! Make it go away! I surrender!"

Everyone was confused...as nobody had even touched the chuunin.

"So much orange! My eyes! My eyes!"

Ignoring the rapidly developing tick mark, Naruto undid the jutsu... which proved to be a wrong move because as soon as he did that, smoke filled the area and through the smoke came a horde of whirling shuriken that thankfully hit two of the earlier created clones instead of the real one.

Naruto, without missing a beat, took out a bottle of ink from his pocket and started drawing the seal on the ground for the jutsu he had seen minutes ago. What was formed vaguely resembled the seal from the scroll.

Now, if you are familiar with sealing jutsu or the concept of the said, then you should remember that tampering with one isn't good and tampering with one like this was downright insane and disastrous.

"Now what, brat..." Mizuki said as the smoke started clearing. "You've lost the one chance you had. Now die!" He said and threw a fuma shuriken at the blond.

"Done!" Naruto said as he completed the hand signs and slammed his palm on the seal. "...kuchiyose: Edo Tensei!" He roared and suddenly the area around Naruto and Naruto were covered in smoke...and the shuriken disappeared into it the next second and didn't come out...which meant that it had hit something.

**SOMEPLACE IN THE AFTERLIFE**

Uchiha Madara was enjoyed life...or rather afterlife. Watching his clan flourish as he played with the youngster. Teaching eight year olds various S ranked jutsus. Sparring with his rival Hashirama. Watching over the village. All in all, a content afterlife. He was sitting in his lawn, sipping a herbal tea...when suddenly he felt a tug and his surroundings changed.

**SOMEPLACE IN THE AFTERLIFE...AGAIN**

Senju Hashirama was also enjoying afterlife. Sitting together with his family and having dinner. Watching his village live in peace. Getting sex from Mito every night...and morning. Those were the joy of afterlife. God knows, that woman starved him for sex when they were alive! Now, he felt tired because of the never changing daily routine. He was bored of afterlife, goddammit!

But, he felt a pull and found himself back in the world of living. 'Huh. Madara' also here. Niiiice!'

**SOMEPLACE IN THE AFTERLIFE...LAST TIME, I SWEAR**

Tobirama Senju was also enjoying afterlife. In fact, out of the three it was him who was enjoying it the most. Why?

Well, wouldn't you if you were in a jacuzzi with all the other occupants being hot naked babes who couldn't keep their hands off you?

"Ahhh! Tobirama-sama~" The ladies purred seductively.

"Hehehehe..." The white haired man just giggled pervertedly like a certain other white haired man.

Then, abruptly found himself in the world of the living.

**BACK TO BLONDE**

"What the FUCK?!" Mizuki cried as his brain failed to form a rational answer. What was happening with him today? Had he invoked some kind of divine wrath upon himself? This day had turned from bad to nightmarish. Why? Because standing in front of him were two hokage and one Uchiha Madara.

"So...who are you three exactly?" Naruto was the first one to break the silence.

Hashirama and Tobirama turned to the voice behind them and saw a brightly dressed kid.

"_You_ are the jutsu summoner..." Tobirama said to himself rather than anyone else. He couldn't believe it! This kid had summoned not only him but also his brother and Madara. That alone would've required a ton of chakra. On top of that, he had summoned them together! Not simultaneously.

"Thank you!" Hashirama hugged the kid. "You saved me!" Then, he started crying on the blond' shoulder as the said blond was desperately trying to free himself but to not avail.

The only one who had yet to say anything was the Uchiha. He was caught in his thoughts.

Madara saw that he was in his adult body like Hashirama and Tobirama. It was strange considering that he had died when he was really, really old after he had trained Obito.

He checked his appearance.

Long, luscious, spiky hair that made women swoon. Check.

Healthy olive complexion skin. Check.

Angular face with a strong jawline and cheekbones. Check.

His shinobi attire. Check.

A fuma shuriken lodged in his stomach. Che- wait, what?!

With expert precision that only highly trained ninja had, Madara dislodged the shuriken and the wound rapidly closed up. By 'expert precision' I mean 'roughly pulling it out and throwing it away'.

"Now..." Madara started. "Which one of you jerkwads had the brilliant idea of throwing a deadly weapon at me?" He's asked both Iruka and Mizuki.

"It was Mizuki-teme! He's planning on stealing the forbidden scroll!" Naruto shouted as he finally freed himself from Hashirama' hug.

Madara looked at the one who had a big scroll strapped to his back. "So Mizuki-teme." He politely addressed the chuunin. "Run."

Now, when Uchiha "Motherfucking" Madara tell you to run. Then, you run.

Oh, you run like hell hounds are after your life and do not look back.

But, Mizuki's reaction was different. His mind had came to the conclusion that the three people in front on him were real deal and not some shadow clones in henge or a high class genjutsu. He'd snorted at that. If the blond had casted a genjutsu, then he was the Sage of the six paths. Moving on, as his mind came to the conclusion of them being real, he started having a mental breakdown.

When Madara had told him to 'run'. He started having a nervous breakdown as well. He'd peed himself...and then fell face first in his own pee.

"Eww!" Everyone except Mizuki- who had knocked himself out- said in unison.

"Now what?" Madara asked.

"The hell would I know..." Hashirama said. "I was dead just five minutes ago!"

Tobirama sighed. He was already missing afterlife.

**INSIDE NARUTO'S SEAL**

Kurama didn't know what to do. Be happy or sad or amazed or confused or surprised or angry. He settled with being impressed. The kid was definitely unpredictable...and borderline insane. Who the hell goes on messing with S ranked jutsu, dammit! If it could happen, then with all the stress that his received in all his existence, his orange haired body would've been white.

With a sigh, he then went back to his beauty sleep. Mumbling something about insane brats.

**AND CUT! NO, SCRATCH THAT! OFF WITH EVERYBODY'S HEADS! **

**Please review!**

So? How was it? Did you like it...or naw?

Ciao, ladies...and not ladies.


	2. Bon Appétit, Madara

**Hello people! How are you guys! I'm glad that you all liked this story and am thankful for the support.**

**Just one thing- please review more!**

**GURARARARAkukukukuJEHAHAHAHA**

"Oi teme! Stop throwing my ramen!" A red faced Naruto shouted angrily.

Madara turned around and glared at the blond...who glared back with equal intensity.

Why did the old monkey have to send him to live with this brat!

"Why the hell is there ONLY instant ramen in this shithole of a house!"

"Because ramen' the best, dattebayo! A-And the hell are you calling a shithole! You...You girly haired bastard!" Naruto roared.

Just a few feet away, the two senju brothers who were sitting at the table and watching the scene, tried hard to control their laughter...but failed miserably.

"BWAHAHAHAHA girly haired bastard!" Tobirama choked on his spit as he laughed uncontrollably.

Hashirama held his sides as he laughed too hard.

Madara broke his gaze from the blond and glared at the senju brothers. If looks could kill someone, then the two senju would've been dead once again. Edo Tensei or not.

"What are you two laughing about!" The Uchiha shouted.

"You..." He pointed at Hashirama. "...used to steal your mom's special _silky smooth _hair conditioner and use it on yourself when we were kids and later you used Mito' shampoo! Seriously, your hair is more girlish!"

"And you..." He pointed at the younger senju. "...look like a character out of some yaoi dounjinshi!"

That promptly shut them up.

"And you!" He pointed at Naruto.

"Me?" The blond asked in a clueless manner.

"_You._"

"Me?"

"_**Youuuu!**_" Madara hissed. "Get. Me. Something. To. Eat. "

The both stared at each other before Naruto relented.

"Okay. I'll bring some meat." Then, went off to his room.

Madara went to the table and sat down with his rival and the rival's brother. "That's how you get your work done." He said smugly. The two senju grunted in response, still angry at the uchiha.

Several minutes, many thuds that sounded like objects falling over and a muffled cry later, the blond came to the table. He had a face splitting grin and a plate in both hands.

As he put down the plate, the three zombies saw an overcooked, slightly charred piece of meat.

Madara eyed it cautiously. "What is it?"

"Meat."

The uchiha looked at the two senju. "You guys hungry?"

"Nope." "No."

Madara nodded. Why was it him who was feeling hungry? Why was he getting the case of munchies? Surely the blond must've screwed up the justu.

"Oh, well..." He cleared his head of these thoughts and looked at the plate once again.

Now, in any other circumstances, Madara Uchiha would not have eaten the deadly looking, burnt meat. But, it seems that even legendary shinobi couldn't win against their stomach. Thus, in one big gulp, he consumed it. Nothing happened for a few seconds. Then...

"Shit." Madara said as he clutched his stomach in pain.

Naruto grinned. He killed two birds with one stone. Now the bastard will know not to mess with Uzumaki Naruto.

"What...was...that?" Madara wheezed out.

"Meat."

"What...kind...of..."

"Rat meat."

"_**What!?**_" Now, the Uchiha' face had turned a sick green colour and he ran off to unload the content of his stomach. Sarutobi is definitely dead!

"Hehehe." The blond chuckled. Finally, he had rid himself of that rat and also taught the girly haired man a lesson. The rat had put up a fight but the blond had won.

"Kid." Hashirama called. "Mada-chan had a pet rat and he loved it very much. More than his own brother."

"So..."

"You made him eat a rat."

"So..."

Hashirama sighed. _Is he this dumb._

"So run."

The blond connected the dots. "Crap."

**JEHAHAHAHAkukukukuJAJAJAJAJA**

**Reviews please.**

**Goodbye.**


	3. Danzo' roots

"To have lived this long..." Sarutobi Hiruzen said as he massaged his temples. "I knew I wasn't that lucky!"

"Jeez, saru. Quit acting like a geezer."

The sandaime glared at his predecessor's predecessor. "Well, Hashirama-sama. If you haven't noticed by now, I AM A BLOODY GEEZER!"

The shodaime had the decency to look a bit sheepish.

"Now." The third looked at all the people in front of him. "I ha- Naruto, the hell you're doing?"

"Hiding."

The third was surprised. Not by the answer as he could clearly see what the blond was doing. But, the tone of the answer was the surprise. It was a barely audible voice in which the Uzumaki had spoken. Completely different from his loud and energetic voice that everyone was used to.

His eyes lingered on the cowering form of the Uzumaki, who had a terrified look on his face and was hiding behind the younger Senju brother. His eyes then darted to the person whom he was hiding from.

"Madara..." Hiruzen sighed. "Now what did you do to get Naruto so..." he fumbled with the right words. "...unnaruto."

The ancient Uchiha looked at the hokage with a bored expression. Then, his face split into a devilish smile. "I gave him the Uchiha Madara super-special-ultra-hyper-deluxe combo."

"YOU WHAT?!" Was heard all over Konoha.

SSSSSSSSkukukukukuJEHEHEHEHE

Life was good. So thought Danzo. Why wouldn't it be? The fourth was long dead. Nobody was stopping him from running root. Yeah, the third had resumed his office but when had that man stopped or even tried to stop him? If he would've, then, little old Danzo wouldn't have the multiple sharingans implanted in his arm, would he?

"Danzo-sama, your herbal tea." One of his agents entered and gave him his tea. This stuff was really good for the blood circulation.

Danzo inhaled. Then, he took a sip.

Life was indeed good.

"YOU WHAT?!"

Cursing under his breath, Danzo stood up as he dropped the steaming hot cup of tea on himself. It burned. It burned like a bitch! Though, it was a good thing that it didn't fell on his implant arm. God knew, he treasured that with his life. Plus, it would've burned like a bigger bitch.

"Damn You, Hiruzen!" Grumbling under his breath, he decided to go and check up on his rival. See what got him so riled up.

But first, a change of clothes was in order.

JEJEJEJEhahahahaZIZIZIZIZIZI

"Now, now..." Madara shook his head. "He did deserve it." He said with a sour look.

"Well, Madara." Tobirama started, while embracing Naruto. "You shouldn't have been that hard on him. Even if he fed you a rat."

Hiruzen' eyebrows rose. The implications...

"Hey! Don't be such a wimp." Madara said. "My dad always gave me those, too. His version was even scarier."

Tobirama snorted, "And look how you turned out."

"Burn." Hashirama whispered with a grin.

"I walked right into that one, didn't I?"

"Yup."

Madara sighed. Then, he did something nobody present in the room could've predicted. "I'm sorry, Naruto." He said in a half assed way and waited for the kid to accept his apology.

Naruto, reluctantly, let go of Tobirama and walked to the Uchiha, slowly. Then, he too, did something nobody in the room could've predicted.

Madara, for all his lightening fast reflexes and legendary status, didn't even see the blond' foot as collided with his genitals. "!" The Uchiha' eyes rolled to the back of his and his face contorted in a silent scream. Well, he might be near immortal but not resistant to pain, though. Hard to believe the shit that manga gets away with.

Tobirama couldn't believe the absurdity of it.

Hashirama was trying not to laugh. Trying but not accomplishing.

Hiruzen just chucked his pipe as hard as he could through the window. "I need stronger shit to deal with this."

Naruto grinned like a loon, "Nobody messes with Uzumaki Naruto, dattebayo!" Then, he bolted towards the door like a bat out of hell. Couldn't let the girly haired jiji get to him.

ZZZZZZZssssssVVVVVVV

Grumbling about how a certain monkey ruined his day, Danzo reached outside the hokage' office. Seriously, he felt winded. The damn monkey couldn't even have installed a lift, could he? That cheapskate! It wouldn't even dent his bank account.

Grumbling anew, he reached for the doorknob. Turning it, he opened the door, only for something big...and orange...and yellow to crash headfirst in his groin and down the hallway.

The old man fell to the ground, clutching his hurt and rapidly swelling bits. "Goddammit! My roots!"

Hiruzen gaped at his old friend who was now in a totally undignified position. "Danzo! Don't fondle them. Cover them for god's sake!"

Tobarima looked at the downed old -younger than him- man, who was apparently his still alive other student. Then, abruptly averted his gaze from the shameless public display. He didn't swing that way.

Hashirama looked at Danzo, who was...whispering sweet nothings to his bits. Then, looked at Madara...who was also whispering sweet nothings to his own bits. Then, the Senju laughed like he could die any second, which he could from suffocation.

"And I thought afterlife was good!"

KUKUKUKUKUjejejejejeHAHAHAHAHA

**Happy New Year! Belated. Sort of.**

**Yeah, I know I updated after so long. So, enjoy.**

**ReadxReview. **


	4. Sensei, Kage and Missing Nins

Hatake Kakashi eye smiled at his three little cuddly-wuddly students.

In return, his three cuddly-wuddly students, namely, Haruno Sakura, Uchiha Sasuke and Uzumaki Naruto, edged away from him due to the child molester look their new sensei was giving them.

Kakashi ignored the completely creeped out looks his three little students were giving him. Jeez! They made it seem like he was a pedophile or something, with that mask and eye smile of his. Ignoring them once again, he took out something from his oh-so-handy flax jacket. "Lollipop, anyone?"

"No, thank you." "Hn." "Nope."

Kakashi shook the offerings in a tantalising manner. "Now, don't be shy. They're orange flavoured…"

"No, thank you." "Hn." "Okay."

Sakura and Sasuke look at their teammate with an "Is your head in the right place?" face, that even a blind man couldn't have missed.

Naruto, on the other hand, took the candy without the slightest hesitation. What did he have to fear? He had the world's most powerful technique in his hands… or legs, depending upon whichever he felt like using: The 'uzumaki hijutsu- ball buster' was really a fearsome technique. Even Uchiha Madara was defeated by a single hit of that god awful technique.

Speaking of the terrifying Uchiha…

"Hey, do you guys hear something…" Naruto said oh so suspiciously. He had a bad feeling about this.

"Hn. Dobe. You're going mad if you are hearing imaginary voices."

"What are you talking about Naruto. I don't hear anything." Sakura said with a confused voice. Maybe her teammate really was going cookies. That means he will be removed from the team! That means it will be only she and her Sasuke-kun! That means Sasuke-kun will finally be free of any competition for her love! KYAA~

"I definitely hear something!" Naruto wailed as he clutched his head. "I-I don't know what it is! But it feels like rabbits being killed!"

Sakura shrieked.

Sasuke gave a low Hn. Which meant 'That's cruel bruh!'

Kakashi eye smiled harder. "Maa Maa. You should not scare your teammates, Naruto. Now, you both, take my Lollipops and su-"

"-EEEEEEERT!" Suddenly, someone landed on the rooftops and missile drop-kicked the white haired jounin off the rooftop. "Take that, you pervert!"

Sakura stared at the newcomer in shock.

Sasuke stared at the newcomer in shock AND horror.

Naruto? Well, Naruto was… grinning?

"I knew it was you! Someone as horrible as you can only give that sort of vibe!"

Madara Uchiha stared at the Uzumaki. He was now hundred percent sure that someth-, er no, scratch that. He was sure that EVERYTHING was wrong with this kid. How, he was sure? Firstly, WHO THE HELL FEEDS THEIR GUEST A RAT?! Secondly. HE IS AN UZUMAKI! Every god forsaken Uzumaki comes with a list of instructions AND subjected to risks policy! Back in the days, Uzumaki were so feared that you couldn't win a war by just lying about having an Uzumaki on your side! His own first cousin thrice removed had made a fortune by writing the to-date famous book _A Shinobi's Guide To Surviving An Encounter With An Uzumaki. Plus, _Why the hell do you think he had battled Hashirama _far _away from Konoha! To not involve an innocent civilian in the crossfire? Pfft! As if he cared! It was because he didn't want to involve _HER. _Hashirama' wife! The She-devil! Mito!

As for how he came to know about the blonde menace' heritage? Well, Sarutobi was kind enough to warn him and his undead companions when they were alone in his office. Hey, they atleast deserved to know _what _exactly where they staying with for the unforeseeable future.

And yes. They were going to stay there. He, the greatest Uchiha since his stripper grandma, was going to forget about all the mental trauma that the blonde had put him through and extend a hand of friendship, being the bigger man he was. Sarutobi had decided to let them stay in the world of living after a lot of pleading and apologising was involved.

**KUKUKUKUjajajajaJEHAHAHA**

The sandaime's secretary was a very busy lady. Yes, getting a girl's nails done, applying make-up every hour, in short, being a total eye candy took a lot of time, effort and energy. Also, let's not forget money. But, who the bloody hell cared about the money if you weren't the one paying!

Both, she and the old pervert knew why she had the job when she didn't even arrange files without needing some help. She was just a great eye candy for the old coot. Even now, she was sitting at her big oak desk, which was bigger than the third's own, and finishing the newspaper' crossword.

Suffice to say, she was a very busy lady.

But, since the last few minutes, strange noises had been coming from inside the hokage's office. Almost as if a baby was sobbing.

Finally, deciding to check out what exactly was happening, she walked to the office' door and slowly peered inside. What greeted her was the strangest sight of her entire career in that office.

There was sandaime, spawled on the floor, _crying _and holding what looked like burnt books.

Deciding to check whether the old fruit had finally gone bonkers or not, she knocked twice on the door. "Um… old fr- er, Third? Is everything alright?"

The crying stopped for a moment and the sandaime turned his neck to look at his secretary. What greeted the lady, though, was the snot and drool covered face of the strongest person in her village.

"Haruhi-chan! *_snob* _He… He burned them…! He burned all of them!"

The newly introduced Haruhi, tilted her head in confusion. "Um… I really don't understand sir. Who burned what?"

"Uchiha Madara! He… He burned my Icha-Icha! MY PRECIOUUUUS!"

Yup, the old man had really hit it this time.

"He threatened me to let him, Hashirama-sama and Tobirama-sama stay in the world of living and not make Naruto dispel the just! He said that he'll burn my literature if I don't let them do as they want. I did exactly as I was told but in the end he still did burn them! Oh, them pain of losing the one you love! Unbearable! Why, God why?! What did I ever do to you?! I knew it! I knew that surviving this long wasn't a boon!"

As the old man was busy in half-wailing and half-ranting, Haruhi-chan made a mental note of two things. Firstly, to get the old fruit admitted into the loony bin ASAP. Secondly, buy some eggs on the way to home.

"Damn You, Minato! I knew I should've done the sealing in your stead! At least I would've been at peace inside the Death God's belly."

"Um… old fru- er, Lord Hokage. Aren't those three dead…?"

The Hokage stopped mid rant and did and stared at his secretary in bewilderment. Then, he realised something. "Oh right! You didn't see them! They came through the window. Last Night, Uzumaki Naruto resurrected them using Edo Tensei. You see, Edo Tensei is-

"I know what it is. I was a Kunoichi myself, sir."

"Oh, right."

"Well, I should be going. Got a ton of work to do myself." She mentally snickered. Then, turned to the other occupant of the room who was silent through the whole ordeal. "… and Danzo-sama?"

"Yes?"

"Please stop fondling yourself. I'll puke."

"My bad."

Then, Haruhi-chan decided to leave the old fruit and the old bat by themselves. As she was closing the door, a voice stopped her.

"Haruhi-chan?"

"Yes, Hokage-sama?"

"Could you give me a hug, please? I could really use some good motorboating at this time."

"Hokage-sama?"

"Yes?"

"Drop dead."

Then, she closed the door with a resonant bang and went back to her desk. If only the yondaime were alive. Then, she wouldn't have felt bad taking money for doing nothing. She would've been very happy working under the yondaime as opposed to the perverted old man she was working under now. She would've let the yondaime motorboat with her all he would've wanted.

"It's really a shame that all the good one are taken. … Or dead. … Or both. Oh, well. Now, where's my blackberry…"

What! Words weren't going to spread the themselves.

"Though, it good that things never get boring with that Uzumaki kid around."

**SHISHISHIkukukukuJAJAJAJA**

Madara grinned beastly as he looked at the three young whelps in front of him. "Now, maggots. Be awed at the presence in front of you! I know I am awesome. No need to thank me for saving you all from that pervert. I was just doing my job."

Sakura sweated in uneasiness. First, this guy comes out of nowhere and dropkicks their sensei. Now, he stares at them as if they were three little sheeps and he was a big bad wolf."

She whispered to her Sasuke-kun without turning her eyes away from the scary man. "Psst. Sasuke-kun? Who do you think he is?"

Sasuke-kun didn't answer. He was having a flashback.

_"Nii-san! Nii-san! Tell me another story! Tell me! Tell me! Tell me!" A five year old chibi Sasuke nagged his older brother._

_Outwardly, Itachi just smiled at his otouto's antics. But, inwardly it was a completely different matter. He was going nuts! N.U.T.S.! This has been his brother's third goddammed story and he still wants more?! His parents did jack squat and he was saddled with taking care of a five year old, when he himself was just ten years old! He had a life for God's sake! Today, he couldn't go to eat ramen at Ichiraku's and meet up with dear Ayame-chan just because his brother wanted to learn throwing Shuriken and their father was too busy to teach his younger son!_

_Seriously! If this kept going on then God forbid him, there won't remain a clan anymore to make him suffer!_

_Hmm. Let's hold that thought for the near future, shall we. The genius thought to himself with a wider smile. Now, about the matter at hand, he thought. "One second Sasuke. I have just the right story for you."_

_All the way laughing, he went. Like an evil scientist, to his parents bedroom without any care that he interrupted them during their lovemaking. Grinning like a fox, he took a particularly old and worn out book for his father's shelf and went back, laughing all the way._

_Back in the room, Fugaku and Mikoto were worried. They were in the middle of their nightly passionate romp, when little Itachi barged in laughing like a homicidal maniac, took a book and left laughing like a mass murdering maniac._

_"Dear, I'm scarred about Itachi-kun. Nowadays, he seems so… so detached."_

_"Don't worry, Mikoto. He's fine, just a little stressed . I told that kid to take some more missions in the ANBU. Nothing relieves stress better than a S-ranked Assassination mission. The more, the merrier."_

_"Yes. Dear. Now, let's get back to what we were doing!"_

_"Hn."_

_Little_ _Sasuke_ _saw_ _Itachi_-_nii_ _return_ _with_ a _book_ _in_ _hand_ _and_ _a_ _smile_ _on_ _his_ _face_.

"_So_, _Sasuke_. _You_ _know_ _how_ _every_ _family_ _has_ _a_ _black_ _sheep_?" _At_ _his_ _nod_, _Itachi_ _continued. "Well, this isn't the story of such a black sheep. It about a black wolf amongst a herd of sheep. You're ready to listen?"_

_Without missing a beat, his otouto nodded. So, he opened the book and started reading. "The tale of the Shinobi's boogeyman, Uchiha Madara…"_

_Suffice to say, Sasuke wasn't able to sleep that or many other nights._

Sasuke teared up at the memory. If only he'd said no that night… But, the present moment was all the more horrifying. The source of his nightmares was standing in all of his unholy glory. "Uchiha M-M-Madara…"

The aforementioned person turned their terrifying Gaze at the younger Uchiha of the two. "Oh? You're an Uchiha, I see… and it's not M-M-Madara! It's Madara! Remember it well, twerp."

Sasuke passed out.

Madara raised an eyebrow at that, "Well, fire-style me sideways. He's gotta be the wimpiest Uchiha out there."

Naruto grinned again, "Atleast we agree at something."

Sakura, at that point, was having some brainstorming done. She even didn't register the Uchiha patriarch's comment about her crush. _'now where have I heard that name before? Uchiha Madara…' _Then, it it her like a freight train. She turned to look at the Uchiha patriarch so sharply that Naruto and Madara thought she had snapped her neck. "OHMYGOSH!" She shrieked and Madara thought about snapping her neck.

Then, Sakura did the only thing that she was well versed in. She passed out.

"Jeez! What's up with kids nowadays! Are they all retarded?!"

"Maybe it's your deodorant."

Madara turned to see Hashirama and Tobirama, who had just landed on the rooftop.

"I don't use deodorant, Tobirama." He replied dryly.

The nidaime smiled wryly, "See? Proved my point."

Hashirama looked at the blonde boy who was sitting lazily cross legged. "Yo. Naruto-chan!" He greeted cheerfully. "What ya up to?"

Naruto replied without missing a beat. "He kicked my sensei off the roof and sent my two teammates in coma just by looking at them."

"Aww! Wittle Nawu-chan wowied about his sensei?" The boogeyman taunted. "Wait a minute! That pervert who I just kicked was your sensei?!"

"Yes! Mr. I-like-rats-so-much-that-I-eat-them! That was my sensei!"

Madara was so perplexed that he missed the insult. "But my perv-sense is never wrong! That man sure is a pervert! I know it!"

Now, Naruto was confused. "What's that?"

Tobirama answered, while checking up on the fainted Uchiha. "Perv-sense? It's Madara's second bloodline."

"Blood-what now?"

The three legendary shinobi sighed. This was going to be a long day.

"Oi! Who the bloody hell kicked me?!"

They all turned and saw Kakashi, who had just climbed back up the building from the wall. The white haired jounin dusted himself off and looked up, just in time to see the three legendary shinobi.

The three legendary shinobi who became legends _after _they had passed away.

Shocked, Kakashi staggered back, thus, loosing his foot and falling off the building. _AGAIN. _

"The man can't even walk properly." Madara shook his head. "Are you sure he's qualified to be your sensei?"

"He could've just taken the stairs, instead." Naruto shook his head. "So, what _are _you guys doing here? I thought you were with sadaime-jiji."

Madara grinned. Then, Hashirama grinned. Then, Tobirama also grinned. "Ah, you see…"

**ZiZIZIZIjehahahahaKUKUKUKU**

Orochimaru was a patient person. Unlike, JIraiya or Tsunade, he did never lost his cool in even the most desperate of situations. Rarely, did he show any signs of anger. At most, he would be annoyed (mostly by JIraiya, though) and even then, he would rather throw a taunt than blow a gasket. Truly, he was-

"KABUTO! Where's my goddammed strawberry chá chá cake!"

-calm. Unless, you mess with his desserts. JIraiya had learned about it the hard way.

Two seconds later, Kabuto bolted inside his master's bedroom at a speed that would've made the yellow flash green with envy, had the man been there to see it, instead of chilling inside the Death God's belly.

"Your cha cha, Orochimaru-sama!" Kabuto wheezed with a red face. Boy, he was really tempted to leave this job, if not for the hundred of men, women and children that he got to cut up for 'experiments'. But, it was all in all tempting to get over with this job. His butt was really sore for the past few days, too.

"Kabuto, you big dolt. It's not 'cha cha'! Its chá chá." The snake sannin admonished , all the while staring at the piece of cake in front of him, like it was a prior unknown species of organism.

Then, he took hold of the spoon and carved out a tiny piece. From, the corner of his eyes, he glanced at Kabuto, who was sweating as if he was in a life threatening situation with a superior foe. Without further ado, he put the piece of cake in his mouth. Savouring and testing it. Mentally, he evaluated it. The taste, the consistency and the ingredients were all in the right quantity.

Kabuto, meanwhile, was reading the expressions on his master's face. To his surprise… and relief, Orochimaru-sama liked his cake. _Good job, Kabuto! _He congratulated himself. _Now you won't be getting punished! My ass is safe!_

_**Bing!**_

With a raised eyebrow, Orochimaru fished for his blackberry inside his pocket. Wondering whom it might be, he took it out. "Oh, it's from Haruhi-chan. What did the girl send this time…" Orochimaru recalled the last message that dear Haruhi-chan had sent him. It had been a picture of Sarutobi-sensei lying stone cold unconscious on the ground with a copious amount of blood flowing from his nose. It said 'courtesy of Uzumaki Naruto' in the caption.

Orochimaru laughed at the memory. It had been oddly hilarious… Or hilariously odd, depending upon your outlook and experience with the old Hokage.

He opened the new text message.

"Son of a -!"

**KUKUKUKUjajajajaJEHAHAHA**

Uchiha Obito was bored. He was bored beyond belief. He was _so _bored that even masquerading around in an orange swirly mask, unleashing tailed beasts on unsuspecting villages, mind controlling a Kage and ordering a mass massacre of people in the said Kage's village wasn't even fun anymore.

His days just involved sitting on a comfy chair in the Mizukage's office and reading magazine. Well, exactly not reading, but more like looking at the pictures of hot semi-naked Babes of the shinobi world. Which reminded him of the manila folder which lay on his desk. He had looked it's contents a hundred times but every time felt like the very first time. So, once again, he opened it and took out what was inside. _Slowly._

"Oh, baby! You can beat any centerfold in the world!" The guy-in-the-orange-mask growled. What he was holding were the pictures of none other than Mei Terumi in different bikinis. It was a complete beach photoshoot.

Obito felt his resolve for world domination wither away even more.

It'd started like this. Everytime he'd look at these photos, a little part his soul would start feeling alive. As well as, something else, too. It were only because of Old Man Madara and Rin, that he'd stayed attached to the Eye of the moon plan this long. The former, because Obito didn't wanna be haunted by the Uchiha patriarch's ghost if he didn't complete the plan. The latter because… ghost, as well. Obito, also, didn't wanna get haunted by Rin's ghost if she found out that he'd given up on her and hooked up with another girl. God knew just _how _much afraid of ghost was Uchiha Obito.

_But, still… _Obito thought as he glanced at the perfection that graced the photos. Blood ran from his nose and got collected inside his mask. A little bit more and he would have died from being suffocated by his own blood. _Wouldn't they kinda want me to move on…? I know Rin would. But, Old Man Madara? The dude held a grudge against his best friend till his last breath. Who know what he'd do to me if he were to find out that I ditched his plan… and now that he's a ghost…_

Obito looked at the last picture and for the umpteenth time, his heartbeat doubled. In it, laying with her back on the sand was his Mei, in a lime coloured, scandalous, three piece with her hair framing the sands wide. But, this wasn't what got to him the most. It was what was written on the picture itself.

_**I could be yours… if you surrender yourself to me. Love, Mei.**_

Obito sighed. If only he'd some way to tell Madara that he wanted out of the Old Man's plan and instead started doing what men his age did. If not…

Suddenly, his sharingan came to life and with renewed vigour, he stood up from his comfy chair. "No! Beep Madara! Beep The Moon Eye Plan! Beep Mizukage!- he forgot that the Mizukage was already Beeped by him -I just wanna get a girlfriend and finally get some more than deserved loving! Mei, I love you! I-

"Mizukage-sama! What happened!"

-let me complete my declaration, dumb nuts! Sharingan!"

_**Bing!**_

The Uchiha took out his phone. All the while, grumbling about stupid ninjas without any manners. He looked at his phone. Hastily opened the message and read it.

Then, he read it again, to see if his sharingan was deceiving him. Pocketing his phone back, he stared into space. Gears turned in his head as his brain computed the whole thing. He grinned behind his swirly mask and it took everything in his dignity to not dance a jig.

Obito, then, cleared his throat. He turned to Mizukage, who was lying on the floor like a bag of beans.

_Now what's the kid's name? _"Oi! Sanbi chub! Take over from here. I'm going to give someone a visit in Konoha." He, then, looked at the four ANBU who had interrupted him seconds ago and where now captured by the famous genjutsu 'homosexual spandex wearing ninjas'. "Also, clean up this mess."

The hypnotised Kage didn't reply and Obito didn't care for one. He was too busy dreaming of marrying his Mei-chan. He was too damn happy.

Then, he thought what the hell and danced a jig.

Though, it never occurred to him that the photos and the message might be a trap. Or the message was for the _Mizukage _not him

"Wait a minute… How the pervy hyuuga did this 'haruhi-chan' get my number? … Oops… this is the chub's phone…"

**ZiZIZIZIjehahahahaKUKUKUKU**

Hatake Kakashi thought of himself as an excellent ninja. He'd fought Jounins when he was just a scrawny kid. He'd developed an A ranked Assassination jutsu when he was a kid. He'd been trained by the man who'd made both Iwa and Kumo piss themselves just by showing up even a hundred miles away from the aforementioned villages. He'd even copied hundreds of jutsus with his sharingan.

All in all, he was ready for anything that the world threw at him.

"… So, let me get this straight…" Kakashi said while masking his bewilderment. "Naruto revived the three of you… " He glared at the blond. "…Then, the three of you threatened the sandaime to _assist _me in loading this team…" He didn't glared at the three undead in the fear of facing their wrath. "… and you'll be with me and my time for every passing second…"

Tobirama nodded. "Well, that sums it up."

Hatake Kakashi wanted to shove a lightening cutter up the Second Hokage' tuckus but he didn't in the fear that he would waste his energy. "Great…I guess? Well, then, see you all tomorrow at nine." He just wanted to get shit faced drunk and sleep it all off. Before it all, thought, he would have his head checked for concussion or something. "Well, then…" He said at dissappeared in a body flicker. Leaving one passed out Uchiha, one passed out Haruno, One scowling Uzumaki and three legendary undead shinobi.

"What a rude ass deadbeat of a sensei!" Madara scowled, mirroring Naruto. "Didn't even introduce himself."

"Oh, Mada-kun! Cut the guy some slack. He's in shock from seeing us alive in all our godly awesomeness! The guy had though he was in a genjutsu and had tried to dispel it. Twice."

"Hashirama…"

"Yes, Mada-kun?"

"… Stop calling me 'Mada-kun' or I'll break your nose!"

"Aww, you know you like it, Mada-kun."

"Okay, _Hashi-kun. _I'll just have the Uzumaki here summon another Uzumaki that you are _intimately_ acquainted with."

Hashirama paled. "God, no! Not her! Anyone but her!"

Madara grinned. His plan worked and it wasn't like he was going to have _her _summoned. He, himself, was afraid of the bitch!

Naruto scowled at being ignored, "Hey, hey! You still haven't told me about blood limit thingy!"

Madara face-palmed. _The guy who saddled me with him must be killed. Painfully. _"Hey, guys. Let's go to a bar and get us a good old hangover. After we tell him about blood lines, that is…"

"Then, what about Naruto-kun?" Tobirama asked.

Madara replied nonchalantly, "We'll drop him off at the Red light district. The boy is technically an adult, now that he's a ninja. So, let's make him a man now, shall we."

The nidaime narrowed his eyes at the Uchiha. "No way we're doing that! I'd rather stay with Naruto-kun than get drunk with you hooligans."

Madara rounded on him, "You just wanna go to the red light district, too. Don't you?"

Tobirama glared at him… then grinned the most shit eating grin. "…Yes."

Madara, being a joy, grinned his own shit eating grin. "It's decided, then. We all stay at home." He, then, grabbed Naruto by the back of his jumpsuit. Much like a cat. "Last one to home is the shitty chicken!" Then, ran off.

Hashirama grinned and bolted. You did not want to be the shitty chicken.

Tobirama grinned and ran… but, fell down before he could even take two more steps. He looked back from him position on the floor. There was a rope. One end tied too his ankle and the other end tying the pink haired boy and the Uchiha boy together by their waste. Then, two things went through the nidaime's mind. First, "Those bastards cheated! I hate them!"

Second, "Why is that pink haired boy wearing girl's clothes?"

**KUKUKUKUjajajajaJEHAHAHA**

Being a missing nin is not easy work.

Yeah, you are free from the control of any political leech who would try to control you and make you massacre any number of people whether they might be an elder or a child. But, really. Being a missing nin was not easy work.

So Itachi recalled.

Firstly, you have hunter nin behind your comfy tuckus, twenty-four hours seven days a week. Secondly, No room for a stable relationship with a member of the opposite sex. If you were a male missing nin, then, the only kind of women that you can date would be the ones that have daddy issues or grudge against her village or both. God forbid, if you ever break up with her, then, you might as well expect a whole shinobi village at the doorstep of your secret hideout in a maximum time of two hours. Why? Because the vengeful bitch would've told everyone about your location and your secret hideout wouldn't be a secret anymore.

Itachi spoke from personal experience.

But, you know what's even more difficult than being a missing nin?

Being a missing nin in an organisation of missing nins.

Remember the freedom perk, not having a superior? Gone with the wind.

Yeah, sure. You have a steady flow of income. But, dealing with your missing nin coworkers can get tough. _Really tough._

Itachi sighed. He was again starting with his ramblings. Next time, he should see a really shrink instead of buying pot from Kakuzu. That man could really drive a hard bargain.

The Uchiha looked at his partner who was about to kill the head chef of the restaurant they were dining at. Why? Because Kisame had to order some exotic dish without even knowing or asking what exactly it was and had taken great delight in eating it and displaying his non existent table manners. Or _any _manners. Then, when the fishman had the chef called forth to congratulate him and asked what was the dish exactly, he'd gotten a curt 'Shark fin soup' as a reply.

To say that Kisame had been shock was like saying that Jiraiya of the Sannin was just a simple closet pervert.

Oh, well. Itachi reminded himself. It wasn't like they were actually going to pay for the meal. So, in the end, it all turned out good.

**Bing!**

Raising a delicate eyebrow, he picked his new smartphone up. He fumbled through the lock screen and the app drawer. But, was successful finally. What? He was a newbie when it came to smartphone technology. Only because it were leader-sama's order, that he brought a smartphone. All because communication between the members through the use of holograms was a little time and chakra costing as well as _other _things. Scrolling through all the unread messages, which included jokes from Hidan (not that the Uchiha liked any of them as they were generally on him), odd requests from sasori and/or zetsu, he saw the newest message. It was from some unknown number. Deciding to look at this one, the Ex- ANBU captain opened it.

As he read it, his eyes narrowed. He abruptly stood up from his seat. "Kisame."

Everything stopped. Kisame stopped. His eyes wide as he let go of the sobbing head chef and turned around to face his partner. Kisame looked at Itachi, whose face betrayed no emotions. But, having been the Uchiha' partner for so long, he didn't evening need to look at the poor anorexic sod's face to know what kind of turmoil was Itachi in.

Itachi's voice had always been in a monotone. Kisame knew. Coupled with him way of speech, people usually mistook the mass murdering Uchiha as a robot. Kisame knew because he did too. But, every monotone carried a different emotion in Itachi's case.

Like, a 'Kisame' by Itachi meant 'Shut up, my head hurts.'.

A different 'Kisame' by Itachi meant 'Wait. I gotta go pee.'.

This one that Itachi uttered just now meant 'Big Problem. Have to contact the Leader.'.

So, without a word, Kisame and Itachi made their way out of the fancy restaurant. Leaving behind a crowd of quivering patrons of the said place and a nearly comatose head chef.

"Bastards didn't even pay." A waiter muttered when the two S-ranked missing nin were gone.

**SHISHISHIkukukuJAJAJAJA **

**So, did you like this one?**

**Sorry, for being gone for so long.**

**Read and Review. So long.**


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